What if we did a left handed search instead of a right?
What if I had scanned to the left with the TIC just a few more inches?
What if I was able to break open the door?(I was there prior to the trucks)
What if the screaming that we thought we heard was her?
Does this make me a bad fire fighter?
Am I wrong for feeling guilty?
These are things that I have asked my self so many times in the last few days.
All men are created equal, then a few become firemen. ~Author Unknown
There's an old saying; "What if the dog hadn't stopped to shit, he would have caught the rabbit."
There is NO answer to a "what if" question. All it does is present an infinite amount of additional questions or scenarios that CANNOT be answered. All you are going to end up is going around and around and around on the merry-go-around of "what ifs" and driving yourself crazy.
It's great that you are starting to open up about your concerns, but this is not the proper place to do it. You need to seek professional help. I cannot stress this enough to you. You are starting down the wrong path toward an extremely slippery slope and you need to right yourself before you're too far gone.
If you won't do it for yourself, then do it for your colleagues - the people whose back's you're supposed have when the shit hits the fan.
You owe it to them to be at maximum mental capacity to be able to function in an emergency situation and right now, there's no question in my mind that you aren't in the right frame of mind to be responding to ANY calls right now.
I'm not getting down on you because you are not the first and you won't be the last person to experience this. However, right now, your situation is posing a serious risk for the department that you are serving.
Do the right thing for yourself, for your colleagues and the community you serve.
EDIT - I found this quote that belongs to you;
[quote=""Scratch""]If your heart and soul are not into it any more then thats the time to pull the plug. Or take a leave of absence for a few months.[/quote]
If that's the advice that you're prepared to give others, then you need to be prepared to accept the same. You're obviously struggling with these issues and unfortunately, as a firefighter, we're going to be responding to extremely traumatic situations - always have been and always will be.
Plain and simple, firefighting is not for everyone and in this case, it may NOT be for you. It's probably not what you want to be hearing, but it is the honest truth in this situation.
The fire service (and police and paramedics) have lost good people because of this very issue that you are experiencing. You owe it to yourself not to become a statistic.
You want my what if.... (As a volunteer)
What if I didn't carry this pager around... I feel a sense of pride in helping my community in whatever way I can. That said, I feel I can do a lot more going out in the truck, maybe not having the best outcome at every incident, rather then just riding the couch in front of the idiot box.
I think you should try to feel positive, regardless of the outcome as you have tried to make a difference.
"We're all in this together"
- Steve "Red Green" Smith
,,seat belts,, my wife thinking she nows more than me, stretches the highway, that kinda shit i starting telling stories that should never be related ,,or told, like I'm on back on old calls and shit, volunteer or not . whatever some of us seen , get paid or not. seeing anyone like we do sucks. lets keep these posts positive, cause there are a lot of us that do like me, and jus maintain and sometime bring it home,,,,,,,,,,and maybe u! canada needs this. its for reason guys, we do it cause its for the greater. some times we get off track. remember why u said u wanted to do it,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,thoughts?? i'm out here jus like u u guys
,,seat belts,, my wife thinking she nows more than me, stretches the highway, that kinda shit i starting telling stories that should never be related ,,or told, like I'm on back on old calls and shit, volunteer or not . whatever some of us seen , get paid or not. seeing anyone like we do sucks. lets keep these posts positive, cause there are a lot of us that do like me, and jus maintain and sometime bring it home,,,,,,,,,,and maybe u! canada needs this. its for reason guys, we do it cause its for the greater. some times we get off track. remember why u said u wanted to do it,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,thoughts?? i'm out here jus like u u guys[/quote]
I just pm'd you!
"Anyone can be trained to be a firefighter, it takes brains to survive"
Apparently I am suffering from PTSD, while I sleep. I will admit that I have seen my fair share of "stuff". I know that I don't have to tell you what that stuff is. Well basicly what I have been told by my ex and now my present lady friend I am with is that I jump and scream in my sleep. I was told that I will do any thing from freak out to tell you not to hurt me. Also at my previous job when we were traveling some one would tap me and I would go into a defensive postuere with fist raised. I have not struck any one as of yet.
I am just worried that if I am with some one that it will happen at home. I do have vague recolections of stuff like this happening but alot of times its told to me in the morning. I am honestly affraid to hurt some one. Has any one had anything like this happen to them. How did deal with this? Any suggestions that you can pass me would be great. If you have any questions feel free to ask and I will speak.[/quote]
One of my patient was suffering from PTSD and we have recommended many medicine to him, but believe me no medicine showed any effect on him. At last, we suggested him some natural and simple measures such as meditation and believe me meditation really worked.
If someone is web savvy enough, maybe they could find it and post it online.
All the love to our spouses for wanting to help, but aside from assuring us that we are in a safe and loving environment, discussing it with them will help, but might be too much. A shrink doesn't understand at all. FF's should be more willing to talk about it, listen, and help debrief from all of this.
Talk about it. Don't go away from work, that'll make it worse IMO. Maybe have a FF's weekend out at the lake where you can talk about it more.
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